Lonely (yet blissful) Christmas

The lights had been lit up. The carols were sung on the street. Sale were everywhere. Winter market offered the gluhwein. Christmas was so close! It would be my first christmas as a Catholic. I was just baptized on April this year, so I was wondering if the Christmas this year would be different from the past ones, when I was still completing my catechumenate (that never happened), also because it would be my first Christmas overseas. Sadly enough, it would also be a lonely Christmas as my friends were taking winter holiday or went home.

It will be lonely this Christmas without you to hold. It will be lonely this Christmas, lonely and cold. It will be cold, so cold, without you to hold this Christmas. (Lonely Christmas - Mud)

So, I decided to travel a bit inside Netherlands and went to the Christmas in Utrecht. I was planning to attend the high Tridentine mass offered by the traditionalist fraternity of SSPX (Society of Saint Pius X), a religious organization that preserved the Latin mass and anti-modernist and therefore excommunicated (and also by) the Roman Catholic Church. Since in Indonesia the Tridentine mass was very uncommon, I could not miss this opportunity. Another reason is because the tickets for Christmas service in the Basilica of St. Nicholas, Amsterdam has been sold out. I had once attended the service during the ordinary time and the atmosphere as well as the choir just lifted the worship to the next level.

I arrived at Utrecht quite early, around 4 pm. So I decided to see the schedule on the church information board. When I arrived at St. Willibrordkerk, a lady was standing on the gate and when I asked about the schedule, she thought I wanted to attend the daily mass that would start in an hour, so she invited me to wait inside since it was pretty chill outside. I spent half an hour praying the rosary and then explored the church a little bit. It was amazingly exquisite, the altars and sanctuary were adorned with high-quality statues and gold ornaments. On the side was a wall full of papal sertificates. Several popes, including St. John Paul II once came to this church in his apostolic visitations.

The daily mass was very simple. There were less than 10 attendants, most of them were seniors but the atmosphere were very sacred and heavenly. After the mass, I went to a famous Middle eastern restaurant, Dar Al Maghreb, that offered a very tasty ribs. I still had few hours before the midnight mass begin, yes it was at 11 pm! So I decided to explore the city a bit. The shops were closed. Houses were lit up with warm yellow lights. Form the windows, I saw families sitting around the table, wearing santa hat, enjoying their gorgeous meal, holding hands and singing carols together. Suddenly the cold weather outside was subdued by the warmth of this happiness.

I went to the Domkerk, the central and largest church in Utrecht. It belongs to the Protestant denomination. There was quite a long line in front of the gate, so I decided to join them. Afterall, I have never attended a Protestant Christmas service before and because Calvinism in Netherlands are the most prominent sect, why not come and see the service? The gate would be opened at 10 pm so I still had couple of hours to kill. As the phone battery run low, I charged it inside the pocket and looking around.

The line was packed with family. In front of me was a family of father, mother, a daughter and a son. They exchanged jokes, and sometimes shared hugs and kisses. Behind me was a couple, a very sweet one indeed. The man had this tender sight and very soft voice, while the woman had the brightest smile and personality. Once a while they checked their phones and exchanged greetings with their family via video call. Some kids ran next to me, chasing one another with candy cane on their hands. Their laughters just lifted up the mood. Everyone was smiling and laughing at them. The cutest you could imagine, those plumpy little body in their fluffy winter jackets.

Suddenly, the bells from the Domtoren rang. At the beginning, it was a short and bass from the biggest one. Slowly, other smaller bells joined the act with their high tinny sounds. In a minute, all of them rang simultaneously. It was a random one that made you overwhelmed in awe. The family in front of me hugged and smiled brightly to each other. The couple took their phone and recorded the whole situation, then they kissed and took a picture together. I stood there being immersed by the merry situation. I've never heard such a beautiful carols of bells so close. Out of a sudden, I shed tears, feeling so grateful for the whole year the Lord has provided me, while at the same time I suddenly missed my family back at home. I missed being with them and imagined holding them together warmly, as that family, something that we never did before. And I just had a hard broke up from an unhealthy relationship, so it was quite a difficult time. All of the emotions, joyful and sadness all appeared to the chest at the same time. I couldn't stop the tears flowing on the cheeks. All I knew was, everything would be fine, everything would be much better than the time had passed.

Not long after, they opened the gate and we rushed to occupy the pew upfront. I took the side bench, on the left facing the choir and the right facing the pulpit. Not long after, all of the seat were occupied. A female pastor stepped to the pulpit and greeted us. After short sermon and announcements, the service began. The choir sang the Dutch version of "Hark now hear, the angel sing". It was followed with the reading from the gospel and sermon from the same pastor. After that, the choir sang one of my top favorite songs, "Lux Aurumque" by Eric Whitacre. I must admit that it was the best rendetion I've ever heard. The softness of the song and gentle voice from the choir just pierced our heart so deep. Everyone was silent in complete awe, immersed in the glorious mighty voices. At the end of the service, we stood up and sang "Gloria in Excelsis Deo" together. Then, we greeted each other with "Zalig Kerstfeest!" and slowly walked outside the church. I then ran to the St. Willibrordkerk just few blocks away.

Christmas service at Domkerk, Utrecht

Lucky me the service just about to begin. A priest and few deacons came out from the sanctuary, headed to the altar, while we sang "Gloria in Excelsis Deo". It was quite an empty church, approximately not more than 30 parishioners attended the high mass. It was a simple but merry Tridentine mass, actually. At the beginning of the sermon, the priest stepped to the pulpit in the middle of the church, so we need to turn our back towards the priest and sat on the hidden bench, it was a board attached with a hinge at the back of the kneeling bench (very unique for me, never seen one like this in Indonesia). The priest was in fire. It was in Dutch, unfortunately, so I was just lost in translation. The communion rite was solemn. Only few of us came forward to receive the sacred communion. A couple thought it was just like the common Roman Catholic Church, so they stood up with hands open waiting to be given the host. The priest was reluctant so he asked the man to kneel and receive on tongue, twice, in Dutch and English. The man didn't understand, however, so the priest relented and gave the communion on his hand. Well, it would be much better if before the mass, a staff stepped to the microphone and explained the rule.

Sint Willibrordkerk, Utrecht

The mass was followed with a tea session at the pantry near the main entrance. A lady invited me inside but I was reluctant since I need to catch the last train to Leiden. I waited the priest to come out and asked him to blessed my rosary, but he asked me whether it would be better to come someday later because the blessing should follow the Latin blessing rite (yes I forgot that it should be done formally according to the Latin rite).

Fortunately I made on time to the station to catch the last train. It was quite tense, the police was around and only a door was opened. Before we climbed inside, we need to show our ID. Perhaps they were chasing after someone? In the train, I contemplated the night I just had. It was quite a lonely Christmas, frankly speaking. But there were small surprising details that really made my day. "Lux Aurumque" was sung. I could receive the holy communion again. The love of the family just warmed my heart. Lights are lit and carols were sung beautifully. I looked at the photos of Jesus I took at the nativity scene and I couldn't thank Him enough, for being such a blessing in a silent shed, for giving such a blessing to a lonely man on his first Christmas.